I wish I'm spoiled.

Sometimes I'll think.
Why.
Why am I living a life, so different from the others.
It's mean to have this thought, but I'll think.
Why am I not living in a family without problems to solve and challenges to face?
Why am I not those spoiled kids, that get whatever they want without even moving a finger, and they still have perfect "insta-able" life in front of them?
Why this? Why?

But I know.
I'm spoiled enough to have this thought.
My mum is not feeling well, but at least I have a mum.
My dad is a speechless statue, but at least I have a dad.
My bro is hidden hero to himself, but at least I have a bro.
My sis is away from me, but at least I have a sis.

At least I have, what others called, a complete family.

I know I'm much more luckier than all those people outside, and I'm looking like I'm just bragging about how well my life go by throwing out grunts and complains at my blog.
But right now,
I just wish that people keep their perceptions of me being strong away.

I'm not strong.
I'm not fucking born strong.
I'm trained to be one.

Maybe people look at my social media profile, of me being happy go lucky, of me enjoying life.
Thats because I learn to enjoy it, even I'm drowning in a deep dark valley.
I know, if im not strong enough to endure all these stress, I will end up as a dead cold body somewhere else in the lake, or a walking dead at clubs and pubs, drinking the hell out of me.

If you think you have better plan for me,
Please.
Propose it.
but before that, get to know what I'm going through.
Get to know me inside, not through posts and pictures.
Find out what's important to me by talking with me in late nights,
not by pm-ing me or comment at my status.

I always hope that I have someone to handle all of these, but well, its impossible though.
No one wish to add in troubles to themselves.
and mine is not a small one.

I think I'm quite a robot now. well. a cold blooded one.
I'm quite.
Speechless to what I'm facing right now.

Life goes on, throwing tantrums and lemons on me.
What I think I can do, is to step on it, and walk the hell out of it.
It will be better if someone just walk with me.
But I'm okay doing that alone too.

As alone is just another word in my dictionary. Another meaningless word now I guess.

Peace Out.

Love yourself for who you are Nikki Sim.
I love you.

I Miss You

The blade that hurts the deepest, is the deepest memory.

Out of a sudden, out of nowhere, our memories suddenly do a flashback in my mind.
Those sweet words you told me, those acts of love you did to me, those care and love you flooded me.
All of those just come smashing in my mind, like a tsunami.
A huge tsunami that I've drown in it.

Trying to keep myself busy, trying to look for someone else that can distract me, but well, this tsunami brings me way more further.
It cleverly pushes all other matters away and left me here, blank, writing about you.

I won't say that it is the absence that makes the heart grows fonder. I will say that, I never realize I loved you that much.
If only things can get better.
If only things haven't get worse.
If only you can try harder.
Harder before I foresee the end.
Tougher before I announce it.

I miss you. I really do. In fact, I don't know whether I'm still in love with you.
But I won't tell you.
No I won't start it again.
Because it is all a joke, started by memories, and it will end soon, by reality.

If only you can be the one,
The one that I foresee future instead of the end.
The one that I foresee more security instead of the mist of reality.
The one that I'm looking for. At the right time.

I feel so insecure to love now. Not to protect myself, but to protect the others.
Keeping them away from banging into my wall of insecurity.
I tried my best to do all of it.
I tried my best to.
But just that moment.

That moment when you smash in, in a sudden.
Tears dropped.
It drops when I saw your happy face, the face you used to look at me, smiling broadly.
It drops when I saw that you never smile again, not the way that you used to do, when you are with me.
It drops when I saw how much I've hurt you, after all those that you've done I keep you away.
It drops when I remember how you cried, how you hold me for the last time, how you kissed me goodbye.

It hurts.
It really do.
God please heal. Heal him. Take him away from me. Bring him back to the way he used to be.
God please help. Help him. Pick him up from where he drops. Lead him to the way he should be.
God please punish. Punish me. Keep me away from every possible contact point with him. Stop me from hurting him, and all those around me.

This heartache shall remind me, then he has been through this ten times harder. That I shouldn't look back. That I should turn away.

May this sleep later and hide it again, into the mist of darkness.
May I turn off my torch and continue explore the others.
May I run away from it, forever.

Baby, I miss you.

Change

I've been going through a period of change.
ya.
CHANGE.

I'm now someone that if the Nikki 2 years ago look at, she'll say OHＭＹGAWD.

I don't know whether this is good. But yeah. I'm changing.
Or should I say,
I'm rebelling, and revealing.

Growing up, being a 21st gave me a lot of courage. Joining in the big city does too.
I start to realize, this is the time for me to try out new things. This is the time for me to do what "adults" think that it is not good, yet it is not really too bad to do so.
I have rationality that my 16 year old didn't have, and I have the guts that my 36 years old will not have. So, why not?

Surfing and slipping through people makes me realize that, no one will like that young, inexperience, dumb, and -i-what-also-duno-can-you-teach-me girl. Girls are meant to be independent when they are by themselves.
I have to be someone that is versatile. I want to be someone, that people NEED me. I want to be that someone, that people wait for my reply, scream for happiness when I agree to go out, falls for my smile, miss me when I'm not around, and look forward to be with me. I want people to have the feeling that I used to have, when i'm blindly chasing over those who don't.

I want to be real appreciate by someone.
I want someone that willing to wait.
Wait until this caterpillar turns into a beautiful butterfly.
If there is really someone that stays there, throughout the whole process, without leaving yet without butting in,
this will be the one I've been waiting for.

And this will be the one that I will then prove, that I'm worth waiting for.

So do not stop me from getting in troubles.
Do not stop me from trying out stuffs.
Do not stop me from messing around.
Cause in the end, all it left, is what I left.
And the one who stays, is the one who loves the 'Me' that turns out to be nothing.

But by now, I still love myself more. So...
PEACEOUTO!

Think.

I think alot. I think always. Someone told me not to think too much, but yet, I still think.

Thinking makes me feel alive. Thinking makes my brain spin. Thinking eat up my overload energy. Thinking makes me feel that, I'm not alone.

I always feel alone. Like nobody around me. Like no one cares. Like no one is ever there. 

But I don't like to be with groups of people. Especially those I know. 

Groups of stranger are okay, but not friends. But not family. 

I don't like to be with those who thinks that they  know me, but they don't.

I'm always creating different images for different people, showing different me to different them. 

I'm not faking.

They are all me

Just that they are part of me, part of me that I think people will like it. 

Part of me that will make that people feels comfortable.

Part of me that will make that people likes me.

It is tiring I know.

But I enjoy doing it. 

At least no awkward situation coming out. LOL

I myself don't know who am I, why am I here, and what am I doing.

I'm constantly exploring, constantly looking into the deep side of me, and constantly hiding.

Hide, so that I can clearly show that part to someone who appreciate.

Hide, so that I have my own line of defense.

Hide, so that I'm safe. Alone.

So there's one question.

That I've been thinking.

Today.

"At a stage where millions of people, including your loved ones, and those who are super close with you, are watching, you have only two choices to choose.

A. To expose yourself completely naked.

B. To expose all your dark secrets, all your thoughts and all you've been thinking all these while, on a video, to all people out there.

What will you choose?

I wonder.

Weird things about me

Okay, I'm getting too many misunderstanding and too little ears that listen. So I'm just going to crap something about me here for those who really spend time to read this.

1. Hugs are for everyone. Kiss is for the special one. Leveling up is for The One.
If you see me hugging around, yes, they are my friends. Hugs are meant to give warmth, and care. Nothing else. Kissing, in another word, is different thing. If someone else just kiss me in a sudden, I think all he get is a slap. BITCHSLAP. You cannot be "someone else" to kiss somebody right??? For "leveling up", yes, it is only for the one who can afford the consequences after that. An A- is easy to get, but an A+ which full marks will get the level up. XP

2. Flirtationship or Relationship.
I might seems flirting around, often, but I'm not. I'm looking for the one who can stop me from doing this. If I'm texting a guy that I really like, I will really ignore the others. But there is one thing, which is I'll get overly attached easily. That will ruin a flirtationship, when a guy doesn't wanna to get into a relationship. >.<
That is why I'm looking around for fillers that can keep me busy and do not get overly attach to somebody..

3. Talkative and Annoying
I love to talk. I have quotas for talking so if I don't finish that quota in a day i'll get crazy. So I need someone to talk. But if there is one day that I stop talking, I really gt some problem d. LOL. I never stop talking if I'm feeling normal. Especially, if I'm drunk. I'll talk more. I'll talk alot more. I'll be telling truths that I don't normally tell. I'll be drunk calling someone I like and tell them I miss you. I'll be swinging around, hugging people I like. Ya. No drunk. XD

Stop by this three/ I'm sleepy. XD. will continue next time...
Nites world. Nites Lola. =D

The Trade

Came back from the lousiest prom ever. Good environment but yet, bad emcee, bad program, bad arrangement, bad everything. It made my mood go down and down. Yet, it goes down deeper, when I don't even have someone to whine about it.

They say no one is perfect. So when you want to get a matured guy aka "leg step on floor" guy, you have to trade the romance.
Yea, it went well, as I'm not those kind of romantic people anyway. But then sometimes... This trade made me feel like I'm never a real somebody to someone.

No one's there to drive me to a prom, put me on the doorstep and parked the car for me.
No one's there when my leg hurts because of heels.
No one's there when I want a picture of my own smiling at the one I loved.
No one's there when I want a bouquet of flower (although I hate roses).
No one's there when I feel like dancing gracefully in the dance floor.
No one's there when I feel like keeping an instax of only me and him.
No one's there to tell me you look gorgeous tonight.
No one's there to enjoy the night with me.
No one's there to listen to all my complaints and say, "Baby, never mind, I'm here."
NO.
No one's ever there.
Every prom, every party, every dinner, every date.

I know he's been busying with his academic stuff.
I should be more considerate.
But I'm a girl.
I need something.
I need someone.

My 21st birthday has been ignored. It is just a normal day. I have no right to celebrate it at all.
What is your situation now my dear?
Your family members got sick. Your boyfriend is busy. Your friends are busy.
What 21st gotta do with you?
Grown up?
Sorry, you have already grown before that, handling burdens and responsibilities.
Milestone?
Who cares.

Yea, luckily I got a birthday surprise, which end up with I, cleaning up stuff.
They bring me to club, that ends up with a bunch of scolding.
Now even my birthday dinner has been ignored.
I have to buy my own birthday gift.
I have to complete my own wish.
PATHETIC nikki sim. You are PATHETIC.

You are not a princess. Remember Nikki Sim.
This is a Trade for being strong.
You are never a princess.
You are a queen. Isolated in your own palace, struggling to solve the problems that people think it is ought for you to settle.
Forget about anniversaries, birthdays, festivals.
You have no right to celebrate it after all.

No more tears.
You have no right for that too.

Anyhow,

Nikki Sim,

I love you.

As you are the only one for me.

Always remember that as a queen,

you are strong.

You Have To Be.

I think it's time for me to leave.

Long time didn't blog d.. Reviewing my blogs, all about him.. Luckily we're now quite stable, so no more emo by this point i think.. 

But..

Does it really have to be like this? Having this, losing the other?

People says, secondary school friends are the most valuable friends among all, cause they go through the craziest moment in your life.

I agree with this.

but now, i think im losing them.

Losing the whole bunch of them.

I'm having a different schedule from them.. When I have my exam, they have their holidays. When I have my holidays, they are busy.

I'm so overload with studies and events, I didn't even have time going for a yumcha session, with anyone of them. Not even my uni mates.

But they take it as I pull myself out of the group.

They take it as I never join them before because I don't want to.

I have my job to do.

I have my studies to go with.

If working for my own expense is too much for a friend, then I think thats all.

I feel that I'm further and further already.

Further from what we use to be.

No one reply to me anymore.

No one even care about asking me out, as I always reject because of work.

Not even my BEST FRIEND's birthday surprise.

I know I'm acting like a super immature child now, whining for nothing.

But I'm confused.

I wondered.

Does growing up means being strong? Being strong = Being on your own?

I don't feel belong anymore.

Not to any group, any people, any one

I am all by myself now

Like what I use to be

and all i need to do,

Is to get along with that.

And I know I cant

But I have to.

It's time for me to leave,as what they think I am.

No more ME time.

As i have my own responsibility to take care of.

and thats my burden to be carry.

It is time.

I love you, 

as you are always me, and I'm you. 

Nikki Sim, you can do this.

怎么办

怎么办呢？
习惯了有他的拥抱
没有了
怎么办？

怎么办？

第一次
是第一次
睡醒了
他转身
就走了

第一次
半夜拉他的衣袖
他没有转过身抱着我
连手也没有牵

怎么办
我该怎么办？

连哭也哭不长了

肚子很饿
胃很痛
可是怎么也没有要吃东西的想法？

第一次
第一次压力到想要拿刀子往手上割的感觉
我到底怎么了

为什么每次来月经的时候都会吵架呢？
为什么每次就来要满一个月的时候都要有冷战呢？

要善解人意，要逆来顺受，要体贴，要了解
我都已经尽力了
可以告诉我
我到底少了什么？
做错了什么？
可以说吗？

你就这样把我丢下一个人
你想我怎样
你要我怎样过嘛？
你要说吗？
你要给我答案吗？

每次哭的时候，
我不敢让你看到
你说你喜欢开朗的女生
你说你不喜欢整天哭哭啼啼的女生
你说你喜欢独立的女生
我有在努力啊

到底是我哪里做不够了？
可以告诉我吗？
请你告诉我好吗？

这次你真的选择丢下我一个人了
毫无预警的丢下我一个人了
你到底要我怎样吗？

这些的一切一切
对谁说也不对
对谁说都不能
我该怎么办

求求你
告诉我怎么办好吗？
我很辛苦
辛苦的快要死掉了
我都觉得自己超夸张的
可是
我真的不懂怎么办了

活过来吧

Shi.. Sha.... Shi... Sha...

A short blog to wash screen.
LOL..
Ya, wash screen.
Washing off the emo posts in my blog..
Nikki Sim is living much more merrier than that.

My Someone is treating me better now. =]
It proves, when that time, we almost argue but we don't.
Both of us think maturely.
NICE =]

Found out that i stick to him too much d...
We see each other like..
24 hours per day.
Ya.
Even in dreams.
LOL, will get boring or not ga?
XD

btw, this a short blog, gotta share more feelings next time...
btw, waiting him back from exam..
so that I can have my breakfast..
AND I MISS HIM!!
{After watching a movie, miss him more.. T^T}

说过的，不算数吧？

你说，有什么事，当面讲，不要放在facebook吧？
这件事，
我有听吧？

你整天都在说，我没有听你的话，
可是，
有时，
当你一个人生闷气的时候，
有没有想过我？
当你觉得我无理取闹的时候，
有没有想过
我
也有我可以生气的理由？

每一次
你生气的时候
我都很想直接发飙不睬你
可是过一下
我算了
因为每一次，
我都很努力的在想到底我有做错了什么。
然后找到了那一丝理由，
然后就用那个理由让自己认错。

是你说过，
趁我还爱你的时候，
你可不可以不要错过我。
因为这句话，
我什么事都忍下来了。
我不能再这么任性了。
你是爱我的，
我绝对不能错过你。

可是，
这次我可不可以对你说回同一句话？

我爱你，
所以我不介意。
可是，
我想跟你说，我从来没有无理取闹过。
我每次的不开心，
都是有理由的。
我本来就是很容易哄的女生。
我的大声，我的喧哗，都是我在撒娇。
我生气，
都是沉默的。
哄我，一个拥抱，一声对不起，
就可以了。
我不需要多

可是
在你眼中，
我是无理取闹的
我是要求多多的
我就是那样不可理喻
对吧？

我已经不懂我可以再做什么了

总之我做什么在你眼中都是不对的
做再多解释也没用
最后的解释
叫你来喝汤，只是怕你整天吃味精，
你胃不好，会受不了
喝多点汤，能让胃不会那么敏感的。
你吃太饱，可以告诉我，我可以带去你家给你喝。
可是想不到连这样，你都可以怪我不在乎你。
我都不懂
我还可以做什么了
你要怎么想就怎么想吧
错过吗？
对不起，我不懂怎样可以挽回了。

一封，给你的信

亲爱的，
你说过，
有什么事情，
必须亲口跟你说。

你说，
你不喜欢人家在Facebook post些有的没的。

你说，
你喜欢当面摊开来说。

对不起，
摊开来说，我还是办不到。
Facebook方面，我已经尽量的过滤一切自己要写上去的东西。
可是当面吗？

我试过了
可是
一旦看到你那冷漠的眼神，
我退后了。

不习惯
不习惯那曾经充满爱意的眼睛，
突然变得那么的陌生，那么的
远。

所以每次吵架时，我都会逃避你，用枕头盖着自己，
因为我怕，
有哪天，
我也露出了同样的眼神，
你也会感受到同样的伤。

亲爱的，
我想告诉你，
我是个很好强的人。
我从来不喜欢在人家的面前露出自己软弱的一面。
除了在你面前。
因为我觉得有你在，
一切都变得不重要了。
可是，
我怎样也不会喜欢那个
走步路都不方便的自己
也很讨厌要当
翻个身也需要帮忙的那种残废人。
我很生气，
那个走两步路都会晕倒的自己。

照顾自己。
你说的。
可是我很怕。
我怕有一天自己突然倒下的时候，
什么都没有做到。
这就是我一直拼命的争取我有的时间，做我可以做的事情。
很笨我知道。
可是
我想争取认同。
我想完成我的梦想。

参加Event，到现在，说真的没一个办得很好。
我很想做一番成绩，让人人看到我的能力。
跳舞，表演，
就算做幕后也无所谓。
我只想站在自己喜欢的舞台。

这些的一切一切，
我知道很累人。
很折磨。
我累了。
你也累了。
可是我却一直自私的渴望着，
在那一天
拖着疲倦身躯说没事的我，
可以得到你一个温暖的拥抱。
这种女朋友，很烂吧？

我是一个很简单的女生。
一个拥抱。
一个紧紧地拥抱。
就满足了。
就足够了。
所以每一次，
当你说我不懂得珍惜你所付出的一切时，
我不懂该怎么做。
我不懂什么才是珍惜。
我不懂什么才算珍惜。
我只是知道，
付出我的时间，心血，感情，
去经营一段爱，
是我的付出模式。
模式不对吗？
我应该怎样呢？

亲爱的，
我只想说，
当我生气孱弱的自己的时候，
我可不可以贪心的要求，
你一丝的耐心，
来照顾这个，
连自己也嫌弃的半废人。

不瞒你说，
你是我真的很爱很爱的一个人。
你是我一开始就认定一定是我七年长跑的男生。
七年，
然后结婚，
再七年，
有我们的家，
再七年，
再七年，
甚至七十年。
因为你绝对是一个可以被托付的男生。
可是，
如果在我现在半废人状态的时候，
你没有办法给我那一丝的耐心，
那么，
当我老了，丑了，瘫了，
你还会无微不至的，
照顾我吗？

如果你真的觉得，
现在的我，
很麻烦，很累人，很任性，
那么请你考虑一下，
在我真正无法没有你之前，
离开我。
不然，
我会变得很缠人，
死缠烂打的那种。
我相信，
你不喜欢看到这样的我。
我也不喜欢。
可是我必须告诉你，
以后的我，
可能会更麻烦，更累人，更任性。
趁还有的退货的时候，
做出你明知的决定吧。

我不想你离开，
可是我也不想你因为我不开心。
我不想你为我而烦恼。
我不想你为我而困扰。
我不要再做那个烦扰人家的烦人了。

亲爱的，

为什么写Blog，不是直接inbox你，

是因为心机重的认为，

如果你得空的话，

可以逛一逛我的内心世界，

了解一下，

不可理喻的我，

背后有的故事。

亲爱的，

我爱你。

所以没关系。

真的，真的，

很爱你。

一个让不流泪几年的冰墙融化并付出一次又一次的泪水的男生。

=]

不是我的我，你要吗？

我
怎么了？

我渐渐变成
自己不喜欢的女孩

泪水
感叹

不是我
这不是我

应该是说
我都不懂
哪一个是我了。

一旦恋爱就忘记自我
一旦恋爱就零安全感
一旦恋爱，就傻了。
失去理智了。

因为太爱
因为怕失去
所以一直担心自己说错话，
做错事。

已经很努力了
可是还是没办法变成你心目中完美的我。

我很烂。
我懂。
经常为身边的人带来麻烦和担忧。
烂透了。

我想改，
可是改了，就不是我了，
这样的我，
你要吗？

又一次哭了。
很少会为了一个男生，哭那么多次。
这
你知道吗？

在你眼中，
我还是不会珍惜吗？

那是我失败了吧？

我珍惜人的方式
就那么的不显眼
我懂
这
我懂

我只是想说
如果我不珍惜，
或许，
在第一张黄色小纸条被贴上前，
我们
已经成陌路了。

可是我不想
我不要

从来没有找过一个对我那么好的人。
I mean,
到最后不是骗我的人。

如果我的存在，
为你带来的困扰
不满
是那么多的话

放弃我吧。

我真的不想
让自己成为别人如此大的困扰
尤其是
当那个别人
是我很爱很爱的人
的时候

不能了
沈君咛不能这样
不能再成为别人的麻烦。
不能再拖累人了。

如果真的不满，
别理会我
狠狠的
把我这个粘人草甩走吧

我不值得
被珍惜。

If you rear a pet since it was born, 

it will die when you throw it into the wilderness. 

Cause it'll never know 

what it done wrong, 

that costs it's entire wall to rely on.

我弱了

最近发现自己很眼浅。

很容易，

心就绷紧了。

想哭了。

幸好没有。

是太依赖了吗？

是被宠坏了吗？

还是纯粹月经依莫症？

在觉得自己很幸福的当儿，

忽然间，

他不懂为什么沉默了。

不喜欢。

不喜欢沉默的环境

他说，

他在想东西。

我再问，

他说，

sh.

牵我的手不再紧了。

这样，我不牵。

不喜欢这样子。

感觉上像被拒绝。

感觉上好像突然变得好陌生。

感觉上，

好像远了。

明明在旁边，

可是很远。很远。

过后讨论了。

原来，

我又再次没有理会到他的立场。

原来

我又带给他麻烦了。

我尝试不麻烦他。

我说，

让我自己回吧。

我也可以很独立。

只不过有你感觉比较好而已。

很多地方我可以自己去。

所以等下，

让我自己回吧。

他说，

下雨，没办法，一定要载你回。

我说，

不用了，可以的=）

然后他说了这句。

“可以不要这样吗？”

可以不要这样吗。

可以不要这样吗。

每次听到这一句，

心就会绷紧。

可以不要这样吗。

这句对我来说

很伤人。

很痛。

可以不要这样吗。

对我来说，

带着不耐烦。

带着不屑。

带着烦躁。

带着，刺。

可以不要这样吗。

这句话

杀伤力很大。

我不想哭，

不想为你带来麻烦。

自己来就好了。

不能太弱。

不能太依赖。

这样不好。

会带来麻烦。

然后就会一次又一次，

犯同一个错误。

为自己带来同样的伤害。

现在才知道。

那个他留下的伤害，

从没消失过。

我爱得不明显

今天，是和他第二个星期了。
不可否认，
他是一个很体贴很体贴，很爱很爱我的巨蟹座。

第一次，
有人在打雷的时候赶出来抱着我。
有人只因为我稍微升高的体温就感到紧张。
有人就算电车坏了，也要赶过来看我比赛。
有人让我感到，什么叫真正的幸福。

幸福。
是在某人的家里，有专属自己的毛巾。
在某人的衣橱里，有自己的衣服。
在某人的杯子里，有自己的牙刷。
在某人的心里，有自己的位置。

可能你感觉不到，
可是，
和你在一起，真的是很幸福。
或许你不知道，
你是第一个，我在朋友面前狂夸好的男生。
你是第一个，我最粘的男朋友。
你是第一个，我会直接表白说：有你真好的男生。

对，
有你真好。
我真的真的很幸福。
可是我表达爱的方式和你不一样。
我不是那种会经常表达爱的人。
我的爱，是默默的。
不明显。
不喧哗。
我的爱是信任。
我的爱是交心。
我的爱是把你直接当亲人。
我的爱是当你最需要我的时候，我不离不弃。
我的爱是把你家当成我家，把你朋友当我朋友，把你的问题当我的问题。

我不会像其他女友般小鸟依人，三从四德。
我很任性。
我很野蛮。
我知道。
可是这不是你喜欢我最原始的原因吗？
我的特别，
我的直率，
一向以来都是我的性格。
在小事时，我觉得，
因为是你，所以我可以卸下平时必须立起的坚强防护罩，
所以我可以任性一些，
做回自己一些。

如果那对你造成困扰，
一定。
一定要跟我讲。
如果你放在心里不说，
我也不会知道。
问题就会像昨天那样。
我不喜欢你生气的样子。
我不喜欢我们不说话的样子。
我不喜欢没有你拥抱的早晨。
我不喜欢你戴耳机不睬我的背影。
我不喜欢这样吵架。

幸福是双方面的事情。
因为你我感到幸福。
所以我希望，
你幸福的原因会是我。

不吵了。

打勾勾。

某人。<3

苹果被摘了XP

应该有。。
四个月了吧？

不太习惯有人有人对我好。
^^
还没习惯有人开始哄我，讨我开心，让我笑^^

暂时不公开。
XP
他还欠我一个仪式。
XD
试用期过了，
才把他宣告出来。
XP

Blogging at 3Am

Just now suddenly shocked by unfinished assignment. And now, Can't sleep d. ><

Too free nothing to do, stalked Mr. D blog.

Saw the post he posted for me.

=/

Actually, 

I'll feel touched, if someone posted about me. I mean all the posts.

I always think, if I have a boyfriend, and he writes about me, it will be like so romantic. That's why I always feel abit jealous to those couples writing each other into their blogs, status, and stuffs like that.

But when I looked into it now, I was like [ok...] O.o

Things can be so fragile.

June 10 and a week later, 

everything inside the post is like 180 degrees turned over.

Maybe if he didn't address me inside that post, I can still think that the post is for someone else. But there's my name and my picture inside and ironically, He and his new GF's couple pic beside. GREAT.

I know I seems kinda like bitchy like this: jealous over my ex's present? 

I'm not. I was just feeling the sense of.. untruthfulness maybe? I wonder how can someone change so drastically.

This moment, he can say I hope that I can hold you again. That moment, he's holding other people, and sending the SAME thing that he used to send to me. Seriously?

So if by that moment, I told him let's get back together, then he can dump that girl he's being with now?

Impossible isn't it?

Anyway, 

come back to the Rational Nikki

That's just his thinking. Like a moment of thinking. Like the slight moment i thought of that he really changed. Like the slight moment that I thought of maybe being together again is a not-bad idea. Just a slight.

And that's all.

People owned a lot of this kind of slight thinking isn't it?

This bring me a lesson.

Not to be influenced by those SLIGHT mindset.

Liking someone. Being loved by someone. 

Both carry the same weight of responsibility in it.

If I pulled over that weight of responsibility, I have to find someone that able to bear the same weight, and together, we have to walk in balance, so that no one will fall terribly. 

I'm someone that have no sense of safety at all.

While being in my weakest state, I need something to cover on. I need something to hold on. I need someone beside me. 

For those I really care of, I always asked where they go when they left me alone.

I'm afraid of losing someone like them.

I'm afraid of being alone.

That's why, I need to really pick well for my next relationship, so that I can really find someone to cling on, and have the power to hold me tight so that I won't let go.

No more Slight Mindset thingy.

No more put super many effort to earn something trash back thing.

No more saja saja suka ambik saja thing.

So, 

If someone really likes me that much that he's willing to carry the same weight of responsibility like I'm carrying and promised that he won't let me fall, 

Propose.

=P

This is a must.

No jumping grades in Nikki Sim relationship chart. 

Be Aware:

This product might stick like super glue sometimes and need private time sometimes too. XP

Difficult.

Complicated.

Take the challenge if you dare to.

XP

*Bet Mr. D will get quite a mood when he read this. But he won't, after  all. So, IGNORE.

Peace OUTO.

Sleepy feeling arrives.

Nitey Night!

 

害怕。恋爱恐惧症

被人深深的伤害过，
就会害怕。

自从之前的事情后，
就怕了。
怕恋爱，
也怕被爱。

怕再喜欢上别人，
因为怕再造成别人的麻烦。
怕再为自己造成伤害。
怕再次念念不忘，浪费时间。

怕被爱，
是因为怕别人太爱了，自己没办法报答。
也怕分开后，看到对方为自己付出的那份爱，原封不动抄给人家的那份感觉。

看着D他交新女友了。
甜言蜜语，海誓山盟，
在重复之下，
显得，
虚假极了。

最近，
有一个人。
他，
人很好。
真的很好。
跟他一起，有很舒服的感觉。

如果是以前的我，一下子就会喜欢上了。
可是现在，
就是有一道墙。
这道墙，
我还是没办法让自己通过。
不能再乱乱来了。
不能再伤害人了。
像他一个那么好的人，
我真的没有把握能好好珍惜他。

看吧。
除非他能让我翻过那道墙。
不然。。
我也很难提起勇气了。

因为爱，
责任很大。
我怕，
我负担不起。

凌乱的部落格。

凌乱的心。

凌乱的思绪。

凌乱的自己。

生命的意义

最近看到了很多，关于生命的东西。
生。
死。
说起来很简单，做起来很难。

看了一本书，Better Living Through Death.
如果没有错，
是透过死亡来生活吧？
这本书，
很吸引我。
它把死亡描述的那么接近，却也那么平凡。

死亡，只不过是消失而已。
死亡，是生命中的其中一个部分。
死亡，没什么大不了。

它让我体会到，
活着，是多么的简单，可是却被描述得很复杂。
死，是多么的困难，却去的那么简单。

活着
死了
是一线之差？
还是天渊之别？

之前目睹到一个很感人的事。
一只小鸟，死了，在路中间。
另一只，站在它旁边，一只脚放在同伴的身躯上，呆呆的左望右看。
是不知所措吗？
还是不舍得？
只知道它，在一辆车快要撞上的时候才飞走，可是车子走了过后，它继续盘旋在同伴的身躯旁。


动物。
死，是多么的卑微不足。
可是它们却珍惜着彼此的生命。


过后，我再回到现场，它仍然在那里。
可是竟然有一个女人，
走到路上，
一脚把脆弱的尸体踢到一旁。


卑微。
说的不是尸体。
而是她。
连动物都不如的卑微。
鄙视。
女人，
想想，
如果它是你孩子，
你还会这样对它吗？
丢脸。
你把人类的脸，
丢到垃圾桶去了。


接着，我还是把它丢进了垃圾桶。
本来不打算让它呆在垃圾桶。
可是，附近有虎视眈眈的狗，
路上有呼啸而过的车。
垃圾桶，应该是让它死得比较安心的地方吧？


对不起小鸟，
没办法救你。


对不起小鸟的同伴，
拆散了你们，
也没办法就它。


我再为那女人，
向你们道歉。
我也为害死你的人类，
向你们道歉。


人类，
有时真的，
应被看成动物呀。。。。

今天报纸上的标题，
深深的震撼了我。

【活着，真的有那么难吗？】

是两个自杀的故事。

人啊，活着真的有那么难吗？
你知道吗？
在你选择放弃的那几年，
是多么多人渴望的时光？
在你盘旋在自杀氛围的那几分钟，
是有多么多人渴求能留下最后一番话的几分钟？
在你选择结束的那一秒，
是其他人为了活着而挣扎的那一秒？

死
和解决问题
真的是等号吗？

遗留下来的。。。
有想过他们吗？

连抛下至爱独自承受问题这个责任你都决定要负担了，
那有什么重担不能？！
连跳下去的勇气都有了，
那为什么没有勇气活下去？

活着，
真的有那么难吗？
难到宁愿抛下一切也不愿解决？
难到让自己痛苦至死，也不愿面对？
难到放弃一切也不能接受？

人类

你是疯了吗?

珍惜你的生命，
因为那不是你的。
而是上帝的
而是你爱的人的
而是爱你的人的
而是许多其他生命换来的。

不是你的东西，
你凭什么毁坏？
凭什么不珍惜？
凭什么不要？！

生命。
意义。
到底在哪里？

存在吗？

答案，

在
唯独你心里。

可笑。

可悲。

人类。

The Degree Student - Nikki

Yeah.
Nikki Sim is finally a Degree Student. A PR degree student.
Still feel kinda excited to go to class this morning.
But once entered, K.O.

No Aircon - Suan.
Repeated Lessons - OK FINE.
Lecturer with SUCKx English.
I was like =O=lll

How bad is it?
"So that student can fuck us."=O=?!
"Fuck us"
/O\?!
He din meant any vulgar.. it is FOCUS.

"So that you all can Sexist."
HA?!
"Sexist?!"
He din meant any sex,  its success.

Some more, 3 hrs of lecture!!!!!!!!
OH MY GOD.
I already fell asleep, fell deep asleep, even a dream...
thn wake up
*half an hour passed... ONLY!*
DIM GAI A!!

The whole class is as noisy as pasar malam + pasar pagi.
But the lecturer jz steady..
DANDING..

Alright, FINE.
Tutorial.
Replacement tutor.
Another DanDing one.
I wonder do every communication lecture get bored from all those theory of communication.
I expect more from an Art lecture, Art class, and Art students!
Did I expect too much?!
I was laughing when he randomly pick a ppl as class rep jz bcz he ask ques the 1st...
Then he says:
"You take drug today?"
I feel like asking him, "You drank black tea today?!"
Group mate somemore..
Aikx..
The one that dominating doesn't come out with any good ideas...
I gotta take over d.
No matter what they say behind me, I gotta work hard for my coursework mark. If not, die hard for sure!

Degree Nikki, Gambateh neh!!!
Fight Degree, Change it!!!!
Wake the Art students out!!!

*Feel so degree-student when I saw familiar degree faces during and after class ^^*

暗恋

最近喜欢上暗恋的感觉。
以前真的很不喜欢，
这种偷偷摸摸，想在一起却没勇气没机会的行为。
认为喜欢就得去争取，去努力。
认为努力就一定会有想要的成果。
认为幸福，一定会在努力的人手里。
×冷笑×
错了。

我不会说喜欢不一定要拥有这笨句。
喜欢，当然希望拥有啊。
可是，
拥有到才行的。。
已经清楚了解，
只要自己很喜欢很喜欢的人，
都没办法拥有，甚至喜欢。
争取，只让我连喜欢都不能，
又何必咧～

别把我的文字看得太灰。
我很彩的。
最近的生活，我觉得不错呀。
跟一班能混的人混在一起，做能混的东西。
热闹扰扰嚷嚷整天后，骑着我的马，到他家前面，
看看那左边第一个窗口【是最近才发现之前看错窗的】
亮灯开窗，就代表他在房里。
亮灯没开窗/关灯，就代表他出去了。
关灯几天，就代表他又离我远了几十公里。
还要配合看看楼下，有没有哪熟悉的脚踏车。
如果没有，他又出去了。
过后，回家时，经过他常去的Mamak, 或快餐店，就会狂瞄那脚车的踪影。
很笨吧？
还是有stalker的感觉？
可是，
只要这样就够了。

知道他在哪里，就能凭幻想，知道他近况。
知道他在附近，就能凭直觉，去制造偶遇。
知道他在家里，就能安心的回家睡觉，期盼再次在梦里遇见他。

只要这样就足够了。。
暂时就让他暂居我的心吧
反正房间空着是空着。
租金【感情】他也不会给的，没关系吧。
在还没找到真正想买下这间房间的房客前，让他住着吧！避免生尘=P

在很想对他好的时候，把感觉分散转移在别人身上，这样自己就不会太压抑，生活也过得快乐些。
不会胡乱EMO，
不会胡乱制造麻烦，
不会乱想乱猜乱作任何事。
习惯了这样的寂寞，习惯了这样的生活，
就不会学会依赖，就能学会坚强。
就不会乱放深感情，伤害别人了。

铁下心，
享受暗恋，
放空一阵子，
再寻找我的七年长跑吧=）

我爱你！

沈君咛。