I Miss You

The blade that hurts the deepest, is the deepest memory.

Out of a sudden, out of nowhere, our memories suddenly do a flashback in my mind.
Those sweet words you told me, those acts of love you did to me, those care and love you flooded me.
All of those just come smashing in my mind, like a tsunami.
A huge tsunami that I've drown in it.

Trying to keep myself busy, trying to look for someone else that can distract me, but well, this tsunami brings me way more further.
It cleverly pushes all other matters away and left me here, blank, writing about you.

I won't say that it is the absence that makes the heart grows fonder. I will say that, I never realize I loved you that much.
If only things can get better.
If only things haven't get worse.
If only you can try harder.
Harder before I foresee the end.
Tougher before I announce it.

I miss you. I really do. In fact, I don't know whether I'm still in love with you.
But I won't tell you.
No I won't start it again.
Because it is all a joke, started by memories, and it will end soon, by reality.

If only you can be the one,
The one that I foresee future instead of the end.
The one that I foresee more security instead of the mist of reality.
The one that I'm looking for. At the right time.

I feel so insecure to love now. Not to protect myself, but to protect the others.
Keeping them away from banging into my wall of insecurity.
I tried my best to do all of it.
I tried my best to.
But just that moment.

That moment when you smash in, in a sudden.
Tears dropped.
It drops when I saw your happy face, the face you used to look at me, smiling broadly.
It drops when I saw that you never smile again, not the way that you used to do, when you are with me.
It drops when I saw how much I've hurt you, after all those that you've done I keep you away.
It drops when I remember how you cried, how you hold me for the last time, how you kissed me goodbye.

It hurts.
It really do.
God please heal. Heal him. Take him away from me. Bring him back to the way he used to be.
God please help. Help him. Pick him up from where he drops. Lead him to the way he should be.
God please punish. Punish me. Keep me away from every possible contact point with him. Stop me from hurting him, and all those around me.

This heartache shall remind me, then he has been through this ten times harder. That I shouldn't look back. That I should turn away.

May this sleep later and hide it again, into the mist of darkness.
May I turn off my torch and continue explore the others.
May I run away from it, forever.

Baby, I miss you.

Change

I've been going through a period of change.
ya.
CHANGE.

I'm now someone that if the Nikki 2 years ago look at, she'll say OHＭＹGAWD.

I don't know whether this is good. But yeah. I'm changing.
Or should I say,
I'm rebelling, and revealing.

Growing up, being a 21st gave me a lot of courage. Joining in the big city does too.
I start to realize, this is the time for me to try out new things. This is the time for me to do what "adults" think that it is not good, yet it is not really too bad to do so.
I have rationality that my 16 year old didn't have, and I have the guts that my 36 years old will not have. So, why not?

Surfing and slipping through people makes me realize that, no one will like that young, inexperience, dumb, and -i-what-also-duno-can-you-teach-me girl. Girls are meant to be independent when they are by themselves.
I have to be someone that is versatile. I want to be someone, that people NEED me. I want to be that someone, that people wait for my reply, scream for happiness when I agree to go out, falls for my smile, miss me when I'm not around, and look forward to be with me. I want people to have the feeling that I used to have, when i'm blindly chasing over those who don't.

I want to be real appreciate by someone.
I want someone that willing to wait.
Wait until this caterpillar turns into a beautiful butterfly.
If there is really someone that stays there, throughout the whole process, without leaving yet without butting in,
this will be the one I've been waiting for.

And this will be the one that I will then prove, that I'm worth waiting for.

So do not stop me from getting in troubles.
Do not stop me from trying out stuffs.
Do not stop me from messing around.
Cause in the end, all it left, is what I left.
And the one who stays, is the one who loves the 'Me' that turns out to be nothing.

But by now, I still love myself more. So...
PEACEOUTO!

Think.

I think alot. I think always. Someone told me not to think too much, but yet, I still think.

Thinking makes me feel alive. Thinking makes my brain spin. Thinking eat up my overload energy. Thinking makes me feel that, I'm not alone.

I always feel alone. Like nobody around me. Like no one cares. Like no one is ever there. 

But I don't like to be with groups of people. Especially those I know. 

Groups of stranger are okay, but not friends. But not family. 

I don't like to be with those who thinks that they  know me, but they don't.

I'm always creating different images for different people, showing different me to different them. 

I'm not faking.

They are all me

Just that they are part of me, part of me that I think people will like it. 

Part of me that will make that people feels comfortable.

Part of me that will make that people likes me.

It is tiring I know.

But I enjoy doing it. 

At least no awkward situation coming out. LOL

I myself don't know who am I, why am I here, and what am I doing.

I'm constantly exploring, constantly looking into the deep side of me, and constantly hiding.

Hide, so that I can clearly show that part to someone who appreciate.

Hide, so that I have my own line of defense.

Hide, so that I'm safe. Alone.

So there's one question.

That I've been thinking.

Today.

"At a stage where millions of people, including your loved ones, and those who are super close with you, are watching, you have only two choices to choose.

A. To expose yourself completely naked.

B. To expose all your dark secrets, all your thoughts and all you've been thinking all these while, on a video, to all people out there.

What will you choose?

I wonder.

Weird things about me

Okay, I'm getting too many misunderstanding and too little ears that listen. So I'm just going to crap something about me here for those who really spend time to read this.

1. Hugs are for everyone. Kiss is for the special one. Leveling up is for The One.
If you see me hugging around, yes, they are my friends. Hugs are meant to give warmth, and care. Nothing else. Kissing, in another word, is different thing. If someone else just kiss me in a sudden, I think all he get is a slap. BITCHSLAP. You cannot be "someone else" to kiss somebody right??? For "leveling up", yes, it is only for the one who can afford the consequences after that. An A- is easy to get, but an A+ which full marks will get the level up. XP

2. Flirtationship or Relationship.
I might seems flirting around, often, but I'm not. I'm looking for the one who can stop me from doing this. If I'm texting a guy that I really like, I will really ignore the others. But there is one thing, which is I'll get overly attached easily. That will ruin a flirtationship, when a guy doesn't wanna to get into a relationship. >.<
That is why I'm looking around for fillers that can keep me busy and do not get overly attach to somebody..

3. Talkative and Annoying
I love to talk. I have quotas for talking so if I don't finish that quota in a day i'll get crazy. So I need someone to talk. But if there is one day that I stop talking, I really gt some problem d. LOL. I never stop talking if I'm feeling normal. Especially, if I'm drunk. I'll talk more. I'll talk alot more. I'll be telling truths that I don't normally tell. I'll be drunk calling someone I like and tell them I miss you. I'll be swinging around, hugging people I like. Ya. No drunk. XD

Stop by this three/ I'm sleepy. XD. will continue next time...
Nites world. Nites Lola. =D

The Trade

Came back from the lousiest prom ever. Good environment but yet, bad emcee, bad program, bad arrangement, bad everything. It made my mood go down and down. Yet, it goes down deeper, when I don't even have someone to whine about it.

They say no one is perfect. So when you want to get a matured guy aka "leg step on floor" guy, you have to trade the romance.
Yea, it went well, as I'm not those kind of romantic people anyway. But then sometimes... This trade made me feel like I'm never a real somebody to someone.

No one's there to drive me to a prom, put me on the doorstep and parked the car for me.
No one's there when my leg hurts because of heels.
No one's there when I want a picture of my own smiling at the one I loved.
No one's there when I want a bouquet of flower (although I hate roses).
No one's there when I feel like dancing gracefully in the dance floor.
No one's there when I feel like keeping an instax of only me and him.
No one's there to tell me you look gorgeous tonight.
No one's there to enjoy the night with me.
No one's there to listen to all my complaints and say, "Baby, never mind, I'm here."
NO.
No one's ever there.
Every prom, every party, every dinner, every date.

I know he's been busying with his academic stuff.
I should be more considerate.
But I'm a girl.
I need something.
I need someone.

My 21st birthday has been ignored. It is just a normal day. I have no right to celebrate it at all.
What is your situation now my dear?
Your family members got sick. Your boyfriend is busy. Your friends are busy.
What 21st gotta do with you?
Grown up?
Sorry, you have already grown before that, handling burdens and responsibilities.
Milestone?
Who cares.

Yea, luckily I got a birthday surprise, which end up with I, cleaning up stuff.
They bring me to club, that ends up with a bunch of scolding.
Now even my birthday dinner has been ignored.
I have to buy my own birthday gift.
I have to complete my own wish.
PATHETIC nikki sim. You are PATHETIC.

You are not a princess. Remember Nikki Sim.
This is a Trade for being strong.
You are never a princess.
You are a queen. Isolated in your own palace, struggling to solve the problems that people think it is ought for you to settle.
Forget about anniversaries, birthdays, festivals.
You have no right to celebrate it after all.

No more tears.
You have no right for that too.

Anyhow,

Nikki Sim,

I love you.

As you are the only one for me.

Always remember that as a queen,

you are strong.

You Have To Be.

I think it's time for me to leave.

Long time didn't blog d.. Reviewing my blogs, all about him.. Luckily we're now quite stable, so no more emo by this point i think.. 

But..

Does it really have to be like this? Having this, losing the other?

People says, secondary school friends are the most valuable friends among all, cause they go through the craziest moment in your life.

I agree with this.

but now, i think im losing them.

Losing the whole bunch of them.

I'm having a different schedule from them.. When I have my exam, they have their holidays. When I have my holidays, they are busy.

I'm so overload with studies and events, I didn't even have time going for a yumcha session, with anyone of them. Not even my uni mates.

But they take it as I pull myself out of the group.

They take it as I never join them before because I don't want to.

I have my job to do.

I have my studies to go with.

If working for my own expense is too much for a friend, then I think thats all.

I feel that I'm further and further already.

Further from what we use to be.

No one reply to me anymore.

No one even care about asking me out, as I always reject because of work.

Not even my BEST FRIEND's birthday surprise.

I know I'm acting like a super immature child now, whining for nothing.

But I'm confused.

I wondered.

Does growing up means being strong? Being strong = Being on your own?

I don't feel belong anymore.

Not to any group, any people, any one

I am all by myself now

Like what I use to be

and all i need to do,

Is to get along with that.

And I know I cant

But I have to.

It's time for me to leave,as what they think I am.

No more ME time.

As i have my own responsibility to take care of.

and thats my burden to be carry.

It is time.

I love you, 

as you are always me, and I'm you. 

Nikki Sim, you can do this.

怎么办

怎么办呢？
习惯了有他的拥抱
没有了
怎么办？

怎么办？

第一次
是第一次
睡醒了
他转身
就走了

第一次
半夜拉他的衣袖
他没有转过身抱着我
连手也没有牵

怎么办
我该怎么办？

连哭也哭不长了

肚子很饿
胃很痛
可是怎么也没有要吃东西的想法？

第一次
第一次压力到想要拿刀子往手上割的感觉
我到底怎么了

为什么每次来月经的时候都会吵架呢？
为什么每次就来要满一个月的时候都要有冷战呢？

要善解人意，要逆来顺受，要体贴，要了解
我都已经尽力了
可以告诉我
我到底少了什么？
做错了什么？
可以说吗？

你就这样把我丢下一个人
你想我怎样
你要我怎样过嘛？
你要说吗？
你要给我答案吗？

每次哭的时候，
我不敢让你看到
你说你喜欢开朗的女生
你说你不喜欢整天哭哭啼啼的女生
你说你喜欢独立的女生
我有在努力啊

到底是我哪里做不够了？
可以告诉我吗？
请你告诉我好吗？

这次你真的选择丢下我一个人了
毫无预警的丢下我一个人了
你到底要我怎样吗？

这些的一切一切
对谁说也不对
对谁说都不能
我该怎么办

求求你
告诉我怎么办好吗？
我很辛苦
辛苦的快要死掉了
我都觉得自己超夸张的
可是
我真的不懂怎么办了

活过来吧