苹果被摘了XP

应该有。。
四个月了吧？

不太习惯有人有人对我好。
^^
还没习惯有人开始哄我，讨我开心，让我笑^^

暂时不公开。
XP
他还欠我一个仪式。
XD
试用期过了，
才把他宣告出来。
XP

Blogging at 3Am

Just now suddenly shocked by unfinished assignment. And now, Can't sleep d. ><

Too free nothing to do, stalked Mr. D blog.

Saw the post he posted for me.

=/

Actually, 

I'll feel touched, if someone posted about me. I mean all the posts.

I always think, if I have a boyfriend, and he writes about me, it will be like so romantic. That's why I always feel abit jealous to those couples writing each other into their blogs, status, and stuffs like that.

But when I looked into it now, I was like [ok...] O.o

Things can be so fragile.

June 10 and a week later, 

everything inside the post is like 180 degrees turned over.

Maybe if he didn't address me inside that post, I can still think that the post is for someone else. But there's my name and my picture inside and ironically, He and his new GF's couple pic beside. GREAT.

I know I seems kinda like bitchy like this: jealous over my ex's present? 

I'm not. I was just feeling the sense of.. untruthfulness maybe? I wonder how can someone change so drastically.

This moment, he can say I hope that I can hold you again. That moment, he's holding other people, and sending the SAME thing that he used to send to me. Seriously?

So if by that moment, I told him let's get back together, then he can dump that girl he's being with now?

Impossible isn't it?

Anyway, 

come back to the Rational Nikki

That's just his thinking. Like a moment of thinking. Like the slight moment i thought of that he really changed. Like the slight moment that I thought of maybe being together again is a not-bad idea. Just a slight.

And that's all.

People owned a lot of this kind of slight thinking isn't it?

This bring me a lesson.

Not to be influenced by those SLIGHT mindset.

Liking someone. Being loved by someone. 

Both carry the same weight of responsibility in it.

If I pulled over that weight of responsibility, I have to find someone that able to bear the same weight, and together, we have to walk in balance, so that no one will fall terribly. 

I'm someone that have no sense of safety at all.

While being in my weakest state, I need something to cover on. I need something to hold on. I need someone beside me. 

For those I really care of, I always asked where they go when they left me alone.

I'm afraid of losing someone like them.

I'm afraid of being alone.

That's why, I need to really pick well for my next relationship, so that I can really find someone to cling on, and have the power to hold me tight so that I won't let go.

No more Slight Mindset thingy.

No more put super many effort to earn something trash back thing.

No more saja saja suka ambik saja thing.

So, 

If someone really likes me that much that he's willing to carry the same weight of responsibility like I'm carrying and promised that he won't let me fall, 

Propose.

=P

This is a must.

No jumping grades in Nikki Sim relationship chart. 

Be Aware:

This product might stick like super glue sometimes and need private time sometimes too. XP

Difficult.

Complicated.

Take the challenge if you dare to.

XP

*Bet Mr. D will get quite a mood when he read this. But he won't, after  all. So, IGNORE.

Peace OUTO.

Sleepy feeling arrives.

Nitey Night!

 

害怕。恋爱恐惧症

被人深深的伤害过，
就会害怕。

自从之前的事情后，
就怕了。
怕恋爱，
也怕被爱。

怕再喜欢上别人，
因为怕再造成别人的麻烦。
怕再为自己造成伤害。
怕再次念念不忘，浪费时间。

怕被爱，
是因为怕别人太爱了，自己没办法报答。
也怕分开后，看到对方为自己付出的那份爱，原封不动抄给人家的那份感觉。

看着D他交新女友了。
甜言蜜语，海誓山盟，
在重复之下，
显得，
虚假极了。

最近，
有一个人。
他，
人很好。
真的很好。
跟他一起，有很舒服的感觉。

如果是以前的我，一下子就会喜欢上了。
可是现在，
就是有一道墙。
这道墙，
我还是没办法让自己通过。
不能再乱乱来了。
不能再伤害人了。
像他一个那么好的人，
我真的没有把握能好好珍惜他。

看吧。
除非他能让我翻过那道墙。
不然。。
我也很难提起勇气了。

因为爱，
责任很大。
我怕，
我负担不起。

凌乱的部落格。

凌乱的心。

凌乱的思绪。

凌乱的自己。

生命的意义

最近看到了很多，关于生命的东西。
生。
死。
说起来很简单，做起来很难。

看了一本书，Better Living Through Death.
如果没有错，
是透过死亡来生活吧？
这本书，
很吸引我。
它把死亡描述的那么接近，却也那么平凡。

死亡，只不过是消失而已。
死亡，是生命中的其中一个部分。
死亡，没什么大不了。

它让我体会到，
活着，是多么的简单，可是却被描述得很复杂。
死，是多么的困难，却去的那么简单。

活着
死了
是一线之差？
还是天渊之别？

之前目睹到一个很感人的事。
一只小鸟，死了，在路中间。
另一只，站在它旁边，一只脚放在同伴的身躯上，呆呆的左望右看。
是不知所措吗？
还是不舍得？
只知道它，在一辆车快要撞上的时候才飞走，可是车子走了过后，它继续盘旋在同伴的身躯旁。


动物。
死，是多么的卑微不足。
可是它们却珍惜着彼此的生命。


过后，我再回到现场，它仍然在那里。
可是竟然有一个女人，
走到路上，
一脚把脆弱的尸体踢到一旁。


卑微。
说的不是尸体。
而是她。
连动物都不如的卑微。
鄙视。
女人，
想想，
如果它是你孩子，
你还会这样对它吗？
丢脸。
你把人类的脸，
丢到垃圾桶去了。


接着，我还是把它丢进了垃圾桶。
本来不打算让它呆在垃圾桶。
可是，附近有虎视眈眈的狗，
路上有呼啸而过的车。
垃圾桶，应该是让它死得比较安心的地方吧？


对不起小鸟，
没办法救你。


对不起小鸟的同伴，
拆散了你们，
也没办法就它。


我再为那女人，
向你们道歉。
我也为害死你的人类，
向你们道歉。


人类，
有时真的，
应被看成动物呀。。。。

今天报纸上的标题，
深深的震撼了我。

【活着，真的有那么难吗？】

是两个自杀的故事。

人啊，活着真的有那么难吗？
你知道吗？
在你选择放弃的那几年，
是多么多人渴望的时光？
在你盘旋在自杀氛围的那几分钟，
是有多么多人渴求能留下最后一番话的几分钟？
在你选择结束的那一秒，
是其他人为了活着而挣扎的那一秒？

死
和解决问题
真的是等号吗？

遗留下来的。。。
有想过他们吗？

连抛下至爱独自承受问题这个责任你都决定要负担了，
那有什么重担不能？！
连跳下去的勇气都有了，
那为什么没有勇气活下去？

活着，
真的有那么难吗？
难到宁愿抛下一切也不愿解决？
难到让自己痛苦至死，也不愿面对？
难到放弃一切也不能接受？

人类

你是疯了吗?

珍惜你的生命，
因为那不是你的。
而是上帝的
而是你爱的人的
而是爱你的人的
而是许多其他生命换来的。

不是你的东西，
你凭什么毁坏？
凭什么不珍惜？
凭什么不要？！

生命。
意义。
到底在哪里？

存在吗？

答案，

在
唯独你心里。

可笑。

可悲。

人类。

The Degree Student - Nikki

Yeah.
Nikki Sim is finally a Degree Student. A PR degree student.
Still feel kinda excited to go to class this morning.
But once entered, K.O.

No Aircon - Suan.
Repeated Lessons - OK FINE.
Lecturer with SUCKx English.
I was like =O=lll

How bad is it?
"So that student can fuck us."=O=?!
"Fuck us"
/O\?!
He din meant any vulgar.. it is FOCUS.

"So that you all can Sexist."
HA?!
"Sexist?!"
He din meant any sex,  its success.

Some more, 3 hrs of lecture!!!!!!!!
OH MY GOD.
I already fell asleep, fell deep asleep, even a dream...
thn wake up
*half an hour passed... ONLY!*
DIM GAI A!!

The whole class is as noisy as pasar malam + pasar pagi.
But the lecturer jz steady..
DANDING..

Alright, FINE.
Tutorial.
Replacement tutor.
Another DanDing one.
I wonder do every communication lecture get bored from all those theory of communication.
I expect more from an Art lecture, Art class, and Art students!
Did I expect too much?!
I was laughing when he randomly pick a ppl as class rep jz bcz he ask ques the 1st...
Then he says:
"You take drug today?"
I feel like asking him, "You drank black tea today?!"
Group mate somemore..
Aikx..
The one that dominating doesn't come out with any good ideas...
I gotta take over d.
No matter what they say behind me, I gotta work hard for my coursework mark. If not, die hard for sure!

Degree Nikki, Gambateh neh!!!
Fight Degree, Change it!!!!
Wake the Art students out!!!

*Feel so degree-student when I saw familiar degree faces during and after class ^^*

暗恋

最近喜欢上暗恋的感觉。
以前真的很不喜欢，
这种偷偷摸摸，想在一起却没勇气没机会的行为。
认为喜欢就得去争取，去努力。
认为努力就一定会有想要的成果。
认为幸福，一定会在努力的人手里。
×冷笑×
错了。

我不会说喜欢不一定要拥有这笨句。
喜欢，当然希望拥有啊。
可是，
拥有到才行的。。
已经清楚了解，
只要自己很喜欢很喜欢的人，
都没办法拥有，甚至喜欢。
争取，只让我连喜欢都不能，
又何必咧～

别把我的文字看得太灰。
我很彩的。
最近的生活，我觉得不错呀。
跟一班能混的人混在一起，做能混的东西。
热闹扰扰嚷嚷整天后，骑着我的马，到他家前面，
看看那左边第一个窗口【是最近才发现之前看错窗的】
亮灯开窗，就代表他在房里。
亮灯没开窗/关灯，就代表他出去了。
关灯几天，就代表他又离我远了几十公里。
还要配合看看楼下，有没有哪熟悉的脚踏车。
如果没有，他又出去了。
过后，回家时，经过他常去的Mamak, 或快餐店，就会狂瞄那脚车的踪影。
很笨吧？
还是有stalker的感觉？
可是，
只要这样就够了。

知道他在哪里，就能凭幻想，知道他近况。
知道他在附近，就能凭直觉，去制造偶遇。
知道他在家里，就能安心的回家睡觉，期盼再次在梦里遇见他。

只要这样就足够了。。
暂时就让他暂居我的心吧
反正房间空着是空着。
租金【感情】他也不会给的，没关系吧。
在还没找到真正想买下这间房间的房客前，让他住着吧！避免生尘=P

在很想对他好的时候，把感觉分散转移在别人身上，这样自己就不会太压抑，生活也过得快乐些。
不会胡乱EMO，
不会胡乱制造麻烦，
不会乱想乱猜乱作任何事。
习惯了这样的寂寞，习惯了这样的生活，
就不会学会依赖，就能学会坚强。
就不会乱放深感情，伤害别人了。

铁下心，
享受暗恋，
放空一阵子，
再寻找我的七年长跑吧=）

我爱你！

沈君咛。

Distance

Someone told me before.. It's not the physical distance that matters, it's the distance between the hearts.
Yea.
Sometimes I agree with that too.
But when the hearts already get so far until it can't see each other, the reduce between physical distance helps.

Knowing HIM is nearer again, feel quite good to me.
At least I know that he's nearer to me again,
knowing that I can meet him accidentally if I wander around his place,
knowing that I am seeing the same piece of sky with him,
knowing that I can peek along to the window when I pass his place,
knowing that at least I know he's around.

I told everyone I don't care anymore.
I told everyone I don't want him again
But I just can't find ways to stop stalking at his profile,
peeking at the window,
heart bumping when heard his name,
but yet pretend nth happens.

I'm not that crazy about him any more.
I'm not that INTO him any more.
But I just not too over him.

But I won't.
I won't try to get back the distanced heart.
Just by knowing he's around,
that's enough for me.

No more expectation, as I won't meet him again.
No more think-too-much, as there are nothing to think of.
Fact is fact,
I'm not the PROSPECT,
I'm not the GIRL,
I'm not HIS.
that's why,
PEACE OUTO.
=P

Love ya, Nikki Sim.