Change

I've been going through a period of change.
ya.
CHANGE.

I'm now someone that if the Nikki 2 years ago look at, she'll say OHＭＹGAWD.

I don't know whether this is good. But yeah. I'm changing.
Or should I say,
I'm rebelling, and revealing.

Growing up, being a 21st gave me a lot of courage. Joining in the big city does too.
I start to realize, this is the time for me to try out new things. This is the time for me to do what "adults" think that it is not good, yet it is not really too bad to do so.
I have rationality that my 16 year old didn't have, and I have the guts that my 36 years old will not have. So, why not?

Surfing and slipping through people makes me realize that, no one will like that young, inexperience, dumb, and -i-what-also-duno-can-you-teach-me girl. Girls are meant to be independent when they are by themselves.
I have to be someone that is versatile. I want to be someone, that people NEED me. I want to be that someone, that people wait for my reply, scream for happiness when I agree to go out, falls for my smile, miss me when I'm not around, and look forward to be with me. I want people to have the feeling that I used to have, when i'm blindly chasing over those who don't.

I want to be real appreciate by someone.
I want someone that willing to wait.
Wait until this caterpillar turns into a beautiful butterfly.
If there is really someone that stays there, throughout the whole process, without leaving yet without butting in,
this will be the one I've been waiting for.

And this will be the one that I will then prove, that I'm worth waiting for.

So do not stop me from getting in troubles.
Do not stop me from trying out stuffs.
Do not stop me from messing around.
Cause in the end, all it left, is what I left.
And the one who stays, is the one who loves the 'Me' that turns out to be nothing.

But by now, I still love myself more. So...
PEACEOUTO!

Think.

I think alot. I think always. Someone told me not to think too much, but yet, I still think.

Thinking makes me feel alive. Thinking makes my brain spin. Thinking eat up my overload energy. Thinking makes me feel that, I'm not alone.

I always feel alone. Like nobody around me. Like no one cares. Like no one is ever there. 

But I don't like to be with groups of people. Especially those I know. 

Groups of stranger are okay, but not friends. But not family. 

I don't like to be with those who thinks that they  know me, but they don't.

I'm always creating different images for different people, showing different me to different them. 

I'm not faking.

They are all me

Just that they are part of me, part of me that I think people will like it. 

Part of me that will make that people feels comfortable.

Part of me that will make that people likes me.

It is tiring I know.

But I enjoy doing it. 

At least no awkward situation coming out. LOL

I myself don't know who am I, why am I here, and what am I doing.

I'm constantly exploring, constantly looking into the deep side of me, and constantly hiding.

Hide, so that I can clearly show that part to someone who appreciate.

Hide, so that I have my own line of defense.

Hide, so that I'm safe. Alone.

So there's one question.

That I've been thinking.

Today.

"At a stage where millions of people, including your loved ones, and those who are super close with you, are watching, you have only two choices to choose.

A. To expose yourself completely naked.

B. To expose all your dark secrets, all your thoughts and all you've been thinking all these while, on a video, to all people out there.

What will you choose?

I wonder.