30th April 2011

Chris, Alan and Cmei stay over last night. Just send them home and I sat on the sofa, watching tv. Suddenly, mum sit by and told me something.
Our shop get broke in by some **** thieves and all the cash and cigarettes are stolen.
I don't what emotion should i express. Anger? Sad? Worry? I just calmly listened to what my mum told me, and... replied nothing.
Ermr... I feel that i'm very very not filial daughter. I really don't know what to do.. Thousands of questions running into my mind. Does that means we doesn't have enough money? Does that means mum will be facing problem to pay my fees, which is a large amount of RM3079?? Does that means i should at least do something? But what should I do?? Ya, I'm working... but I don't think that little salary can do much help to the family.. So what should I do more? Should i find 1 more part time?? Or... should i study form 6 instead..? All this question marks make me feel unsafe... and frustrated. WHAT SHOULD I DO???!!!!
I text-ed Hong and I told him the thing. At 1st, he thought someone playing with my phone.. but i told him the truth again. Now, still waiting for his reply. I feel like calling him and hope to get some warm from him. I really don't know what to do now.
All I can do is try to save money and at the same time, cut cost. College's canteen is opening, and with my staff ID, I can get much more cheaper price. So Nikki Sim, no more luxury and fancy food. Stick to the basic. Do what I can do is the best thing I can help her. I hope I really do.

Another matter. Social Problems.
Long is angry on me based on the "alan is ah hong" thingy. Yesterday night I already tried my best to comfort him, yet i can't. At first I wanna try again today, because he's quite a good friend to me. But since there are so many things happening.. Sorry long, I gotta show my deepest apologize here. If you still can't get over it, then, sorry. I really don't know what to do already. I got more important things to do and heavier responsible to carry. I can't afford to hold on more, it will make things go worse. Hope I can get your forgiveness. Because if can't, I think I'll only can give you some time, besides that, I'm totally bankrupt, physically, and mentally.

2.Mag's birthday is coming soon. It's this Tuesday. What can i do? I tried to think the prefect way to celebrate for her. But.. I think i gotta simplify it. I felt so sorry for her. But what can I do?

Frankly, at this moment, I feel that I'm damn fragile. I'm a truly weakling. I can't even settle and manage the things of my beloved ones. I'm totally a failure. Things are getting so complicated in my mind. Very confused.
I know I can do more. I know i can be more helpful to my family.
I know I need to.

Nikki Sim's metal armor are getting rusty, and the wall she built is getting more and more fragile. How long can she stand behind it? How long can she hold the responsibility? Lord, save me.