I Miss You

The blade that hurts the deepest, is the deepest memory.

Out of a sudden, out of nowhere, our memories suddenly do a flashback in my mind.
Those sweet words you told me, those acts of love you did to me, those care and love you flooded me.
All of those just come smashing in my mind, like a tsunami.
A huge tsunami that I've drown in it.

Trying to keep myself busy, trying to look for someone else that can distract me, but well, this tsunami brings me way more further.
It cleverly pushes all other matters away and left me here, blank, writing about you.

I won't say that it is the absence that makes the heart grows fonder. I will say that, I never realize I loved you that much.
If only things can get better.
If only things haven't get worse.
If only you can try harder.
Harder before I foresee the end.
Tougher before I announce it.

I miss you. I really do. In fact, I don't know whether I'm still in love with you.
But I won't tell you.
No I won't start it again.
Because it is all a joke, started by memories, and it will end soon, by reality.

If only you can be the one,
The one that I foresee future instead of the end.
The one that I foresee more security instead of the mist of reality.
The one that I'm looking for. At the right time.

I feel so insecure to love now. Not to protect myself, but to protect the others.
Keeping them away from banging into my wall of insecurity.
I tried my best to do all of it.
I tried my best to.
But just that moment.

That moment when you smash in, in a sudden.
Tears dropped.
It drops when I saw your happy face, the face you used to look at me, smiling broadly.
It drops when I saw that you never smile again, not the way that you used to do, when you are with me.
It drops when I saw how much I've hurt you, after all those that you've done I keep you away.
It drops when I remember how you cried, how you hold me for the last time, how you kissed me goodbye.

It hurts.
It really do.
God please heal. Heal him. Take him away from me. Bring him back to the way he used to be.
God please help. Help him. Pick him up from where he drops. Lead him to the way he should be.
God please punish. Punish me. Keep me away from every possible contact point with him. Stop me from hurting him, and all those around me.

This heartache shall remind me, then he has been through this ten times harder. That I shouldn't look back. That I should turn away.

May this sleep later and hide it again, into the mist of darkness.
May I turn off my torch and continue explore the others.
May I run away from it, forever.

Baby, I miss you.